In 2010, I couldn’t stop thinking about killing myself. I had not have an overwhelming desire to take my own life since I had tried and failed in 2004. I couldn’t make the voices in my head get quiet, and the alcohol was making it worse. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to go without alcohol or drugs. So, I called my dad and asked him for a ride to the mental hospital. I was certain I was losing my mind, and I felt like my thoughts were getting stronger and stronger.
I still have the red folder from my stay at the hospital. There are two things written in my handwriting, on the front of the folder. My first name and last initial is written vertically along right edge of the folder and the word DESTINY is written diagonally below the center of the front cover. I have the spiral notebook from my stay there lying around somewhere as well. I would love to find treasure chest of craziness if I haven’t lost it ha!
I’ll always remember one specific poem I wrote while I was there. I wrote about the moment I looked around the room judging everyone, only to realize that I was their equal. We were on the exact same level, and that sucked. It was a life changing eye opener for me.
Having lived through that experience, and to now be living my life today; believing in the impossible is not so hard anymore. At that time in my life, a future without prison or an early death was impossible. I had zero belief in something better and someone higher. We must always remember that just because we haven’t lived it, doesn’t mean it isn’t so.
If you haven’t witnessed a miracle, now you have. For sane people to ask me for direction is a miracle in and of itself. Today, it is what I do for a living.
It’s only impossible until someone does it.